Ah, yes — Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. It’s a day where men can woo the hearts of their beloved (or smash any goodwill they’ve accrued throughout their courtship). It all depends on the gift he gives her on this joyous occasion.
Guys, there are lots of ways to do up Valentine’s Day right in 2013. You can start by avoiding these 13 terrible gift ideas at all costs. Note: these are actual Valentine’s Day gifts from past years.
1. Candy (partially eaten). In some instances, candy can be a nice gesture. But if your stomach gets the best of you and you partake before presenting the gift to her, she’ll think you are not only rude, but also lack self-control.
2. Flowers (picked from the roadside). Unless she has a fetish for a particular kind of flower, you do not get points for “picking them yourself.” But you will get branded as a cheapskate.
3. Gutter cleaning tool. Nothing says, “I love you” like an implement designed to scrape out dirty, slimy gutter debris. Do you really want her to associate your relationship with a thankless, dirty chore?
4. Self-help book. You may think you’re exposing her to interesting new ideas. But she’ll really be thinking that you want her to fix that one quality about her that you seem to find annoying enough to give her a book about changing.
5. Stationary bike. First, it’s exercise equipment, which implies that she’s fat. But if that’s not bad enough, it implicitly encourages her to work out in private where no one has to look at her. (You charmer, you!)
6. Epilator. It’s not a “lovely beauty product.” It’s a device women use to yank out unwanted body hair by its roots. Which is what she’ll want to do to you if you give her an epilator on Valentine’s Day.
7. Ugly sweater. Clothing is always dicey, because you’re likely to get the wrong size. And a sweater may make her think you don’t want her to show off her body. But an ugly sweater? That’s the doghouse trifecta, son.
8. Personalized doormat. So your guests can see “Dan and Jody, Love Forever” when they stand at your door. And they can wipe their feet on your message of devotion as well. Fantastic!
9. Parrot. Any “pet gift” comes with its own potential problems. But a big, loud, clawing, biting bird that lives for decades? Unless you’re dating a pirate, better pass on this one.
10. Dinner with your parents. Nothing is more romantic than making her share a meal with your mother and father … especially on the one day of the year when all of her girlfriends are getting wined and dined.
11. Walmart gift card. Unless it’s for a spa treatment or a similar luxury, gift cards may be considered gauche and pedestrian. But a gift card to Wal-Mart? She’ll think you associate her with low prices and bad service.
12. A night out with her girlfriends. It’s the most romantic day on the calendar, and you want to send her out with the girls? Even worse — women who are dateless on Valentine’s Day? Oh, joy.
13. An auction set up on eBay so that she can be the winner and you can be the prize. Three words: Lame. Cheap. Creepy.